The globalized world has hundreds of materials used in building, maintaining and beautifying the infrastructure of the first world, over which millions of people slave, fight, and die to produce in the third world. Meanwhile the privileged individuals enjoying those materials feign guilt and sadness, until public sentiment overcomes the abundance and frugality of using those materials, and crushes their use, further depressing the third world. Blood diamonds, various blubbers and oils from sea creatures, Burger King toys - the list is endless. But more than any of these other materials, ivory has become the go-to standard for strife and disagreement, and policing of those poachers whose livelihoods rely on the sweet-ass tusks of the elephant. Today’s film is like a boring documentary on the subject, and unfortunately for viewers, it’s entirely fictional.
Akbar – not the admiral, but the city, is where our story begins. I believe it’s a fictional city in India, because no Google search yields any results. A group of white Americans has arrived, and they are in search of a man. A man named Greg Jones. To one searcher, he is a son. To another, he is a fiancé. The relationship between the lost man and the two other members of the search party is entirely unknown to me throughout the film, except I know one is a basic a-hole, and the other is a professor fascinated by bugs who wears giant glasses. In feud-riddled Akbar, Americans aren’t popular, but they decide to check into a hotel anyway.
As our party loiters in the lobby of the hotel, a strange woman is seen making eyes at them. Staring is the easiest way to creep people out. I have a feeling that every film in this series will include onlookers giving wild-eyed, yearning stares. As the party leaves for their room, the hotel clerk calls upon a silhouette of a large man with an old phone. Shadow tells the clerk to detain the party. Jean, Greg’s fiancée, is accosted by the once-staring woman who tells her that a tiger mauled most of his safari members. By the way, this entry is probably the biggest grammar lesson I will ever receive on fiancé vs. fiancée. Eventually, googly-eyes’ husband walks in and is prepared to tell them all he knows about Greg.
A gunman behind the curtains calmly draws his gun and murders the staring woman’s husband.. The group flees from the terror of India and takes a river boat to the heart of Africa. Stock footage of hippos, crocodiles and seagulls is seen through the porthole of the ship. They find their way to Kybo, where the only guide who can help them is a known woman hater! Misogyny! He finds them distracting. He is found taking target practice, where his pet crow changes targets after they are shot through fully. I am a sucker for animals in movies, especially Uncle Billy’s crow in It’s A Wonderful Life, so things are shaping up nicely, as far as my sanity remaining intact.
The commissioner of Kybo begs this gentleman Gary to take the searching party into the heart of the jungle. Eventually, Jean decides to step up and prove to Gary that not all women are useless. She proves it by taking shots at his targets, with Foley editing assisted by a tom drum. I have honestly never heard a louder and faker gun noise used in any movie. I would imagine that if the wizards of firearms do one day invent the laser guns of Star Wars and that science fiction ilk, that the pew pews of those films will more closely resemble the noise of those guns, than Jean’s gun sounded like an actual pistol – an absolutely available weapon at the time.
They need to ask a crazy man with a pet monkey to be their safari cook. The script is a steel trap of logic. Gabby, the cook, insists that he stick around Kybo because the cook he hired for himself hates when he goes away. Again, I’m absolutely mystified by this excuse, but maybe it’s some kind of 1940s era joke regarding cooks having cooks, unfortunately line read like a eulogy.
PET UPDATE! Gary’s pet bird Jimmy is so far the star of the movie. He’s replaced targets for target practice, and fetched matches for the commissioner’s pipe. Gabby’s monkey hasn’t done shit, except maybe laugh at one of Gabby’s stupid jokes.
Again, the documentary-like asides that are present in these old movies bother me to no end. They take a break to watch natives dancing, and describe the insertion of bamboo shoots into the skin as marks of respect. They spend even more time watching dances with the second tribe they visit to ask for support on their safari. This tribe tells the group of a White Goddess in the jungle.
Right now I just wish they would make a movie about the monkey and Jimmy. The monkey knocked a bunch of pans over and hid in a basket. Jimmy swooped down and perched on the basket, trapping the monkey inside.
Jean is concerned about the Amazons, who are lead by the White She Devil. One of the tribesmen, Tondra, tells Jean and Gary about the evil women, and how they were survivors of a shipwreck. Gary believes every word, while Jean remains skeptical. The next day Tondra finds a gold coin that Jean recognizes as a gift she gave to Greg. The narrator, Greg’s father, Colonel Jones, describes that evil begins to befall their campsite. While Jean and Gary discuss the White She Devil and her possible imprisonment of Greg, Gary is attacked by a lion! Jean picks up a gun and watches the lion maul Gary instead of shooting it. Wayne, the formerly a-hole party member, rushes in and saves Gary. Wayne’s been relatively low key so far, but he has been a complete dick. Wayne brings up a possible conspiracy that ties back into the murder in India, and the shadowy phone call. He implicates Gary as being involved and a possible reason they can’t find Greg.
Gary and Jean discuss her feelings for Greg. Apparently Gary and Jean have some history, which I somehow missed when he decided to join up for the group. Or not, either way, things are starting to look weird. The following bit of dialogue takes place:
“You got me so mixed up.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do.”
The next morning Wayne is found murdered, the group is attacked by locusts, and they enter lion country, “the land of Simba.” Big Lion King fan, the colonel/narrator. The tribesmen go after lions, who have just killed Bombo, the only member of the tribe who knew the way to the White She Devil’s lair other than Wayne, with whom he had confided the map. Without any navigational cues they continue their journey. The lion hunt is pretty exciting though, and five lions are killed by the tribesmen. They reach the Elephant country, which is right before the Forbidden Country. It actually seems like the directions are pretty clear, at least by estimation of the narrator. I’m surprised they needed Bombo.
Then in the big twist, Greg and Zita, the titular Queen of the Amazons, and a complete piece of ass, are seen canoodling with both a stuffed gorilla and her pet lion. Zita tells Greg that she will be kind to the safari members when they arrive, but when he leaves, she confides in her lion that she will “handle them in [her] own way.” Later, the group receives a note from Zita, delivered by three large natives.
The group ends up being entertained by Zita, while Greg is appearing before a tribal council on her behalf. Probably the greatest line of the film is uttered by Colonel Jones, “He’s a remarkable boy, and so are you, my dear.” The cattiness between Zita and Jean at dinner is awesome. Old fashioned female bitterness is probably my favorite part of these really terrible sci-fi films. Zita tells Jean that if Jean had a problem with her new-found love for Greg, then she would have no problem killing her.
During this dinner, talk of the ivory trade (remember that first paragraph?) stems up and Zita tells her tale of woe of trying to keep the poachers at bay. Eventually this discussion is ended by gunfire and hostage-taking. Apparently Gabby was the shadow man on the phone, and he’s the one behind the illegal ivory trade in this part of the jungle. He holds Gary at gunpoint and tells him that he has no qualms killing them all. He has the tribesmen walk the Colonel, the professor and Gary out to the front. The professor takes a fall, but that’s all part of a show – the friendly tribesmen, Gary, and the Colonel overtake the other men and a fight ensues.
Guns and spears fly as the men attack one another. The professor is nearly speared while finding a bug, his only notable non-background appearance throughout the film, and the Colonel is rightfully disappointed with his obliviousness. Greg soon returns from Tribal Council (wonder who got voted off!!!) with some more tribesmen and helps his friends out. Gabby spears Zita through the stomach and then takes a machete to Jean. In the end, Gary rushes in to confront Gabby. He is nearly machete’d to death but it just misses. He throws his gun at Gabby and they grapple. They fight among Zita’s fancy tiki bar. WAIT! The spear missed Zita, she’s fine! Gabby is soon darted by an Amazon and falls over.
In general, the film was a complete mess. It made nearly no sense, and the animals stopped appearing by the third act. I drank no beer during the film, but at least the ending was an insight into the sappy endings we have come to know from modern day John Cusack rom-coms. The commissioner comes down to Zita’s compound to marry Greg and Zita and Gary and Jean. It’s a truly happy ending for everyone - everyone except the ivory traders.
Rating: 2.5 Ivory Tusks out of 5.
(0.5 tusks for Jimmy the bird)
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