A Space Travesty

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 8 -The Wasp Woman

2010-06-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

In December of 1986, Los Angeles police responded to an alleged breaking & entering and discovered the body of a woman practically bludgeoned to death. The woman was Susan Cabot, an actress who spent only about ten years in film, and retired in 1959, believing that a prevailing prejudice against short women was keeping her from getting good roles. In the meantime, she had fostered affairs with most of the leading men in Hollywood, and was at one time engaged to King Hussein of Jordan. Imagine an alternate reality where the two got married despite her Jewish heritage, (birth name: Harriet Shapiro) and the Arab and Western worlds were not at war! It seems that she was always on the precipice of greatness but never achieved it, (not that marrying Arab kings denotes success, but certainly Hollywood stardom does!) and the easiest thing to focus blame upon was her height.

I mean, she fucked Marlon Brando. Sure, at the time it may have been the equivalent of taking part in an elementary school atom bomb drill, but looking back on it now, it’s incredible. She was intensely part of the cultural zeitgeist for a burning moment, and left the public eye nearly as quickly. Her death was as intense as her burst of fame, and among the hoarded mess of her Hollywood compound, the police discovered none of that early gravitas, and only the discarded remnants of her life, scattered around the mansion. The only person who could possibly come into suspicion was her son, Timothy Roman, who claimed that a gang of ninjas had broken into the house and killed her.

The reality of the matter was that her son, possibly sired by Brando or King Hussein, had been injected with, and most likely addicted to, Human Growth Hormone and other steroid-like substances to increase his height. He was born a dwarf, and his mother believed that her failures would be visited upon her son if he remained that way. She had him poked and prodded in every possible way by doctors around the world, and it partly worked. By the end of her life he was over five feet tall. Unfortunately, the years of substance abuse and weird motherly affection had turned Timothy. After examining the body, the coroners stated that she had been brutally beaten in the head, and the police claimed that Timothy had been the killer, using either a barbell or nun-chucks.

Now, other than the obvious lessons learned about a life that is left to rot over years of decline, confining oneself to her property to never leave, and raising a son primarily on dangerous chemical substances - I think there are other lessons to be learned here from Susan Cabot’s sad story. The ability to maintain enough self-confidence to make it through life, to believe that you’re OK with who you are, is crucial to living. Ironically, one of Susan Cabot’s final films explores her character’s similar self-doubt. The Wasp Woman explores the need for a successful woman to maintain that success, though the attribute here that bars her from staying on top is her age instead of her height.

At some nondescript field a man collects a wasps’ nest in full beekeeper’s regalia and plants it firmly in a lockbox. After bringing the wasps to a beekeeper he is warned of their ability to sting a man to death, and possibly break his heart. Of course our professor takes it in stride. “They know who their friend is,” he calmly retorts. When the bee manager, Mr. Barker, makes his way out to the fields, he informs his underlings that the main office is running “smooth as honey.” I can only hope more bee puns are on the way.

Mr. Barker quickly discovers that the bee nests have been invaded by wasps. He quickly goes after the man behind it all, Dr. Zinthrop. Zinthrop informs his employer that he’s been extracting the queen’s jelly from the wasps. Using SCIENCE he has been able to discover an anti-aging cream. Showing Mr. Barker a dog and a puppy, he claims that the pup is the same age as the old German Shepherd. Mr. Barker immediately fires Dr. Zinthrop, stating that he understands “science and progress,” but an elixir of youth is fantasy. Dr. Zinthrop immediately begins talking to his wasps, telling them “we have a lot of work to do together.”

In the city, a board meeting is discussing the languishing status of their corporation. Ms. Starlin, the president of Starlin Products, is immediately sexualized by her board, being informed that her looks are the reason her cosmetics company is failing. Without her looks, new models have been brought in to model the cosmetics, and the public is absolutely refusing these new faces. She’s informed that Dr. Zinthrop is waiting to see her. She discusses the health benefits of queen’s jelly with one of her executives who both have read the details of the letter Zinthrop has sent to Starlin, and buzzes Dr. Zinthrop into her office.

Dr. Zinthrop is here to prove the reality of his letters. Presenting two ragged LITERAL guinea pigs to her, he injects the jelly extract into one, and asks Ms. Starlin to watch the de-aging process. The guinea pig is turned into a completely different animal – a rat – though I’m sure it’s supposed to be a young guinea pig. He injects the second guinea pig. Ms. Starlin is pleased. They work out a deal, and Dr. Zinthrop declares a verbal contract is enough for him. Janice Starlin tells Dr. Zinthrop that she will be his first human guinea pig, and after little protest he agrees. And a science montage begins! How I’ve missed these science montages, the last one appearing in The Amazing Transparent Man.

Starlin’s secretaries discuss their lives as Zinthrop comes in to see Ms. Starlin. While throwing out some classic one-liners, they tell Zinthrop that Starlin will have to come down to see him later, then call him a regular “two-eyed Dr. Cyclops…with the bow and everything.” I have no idea what that means, but they quickly discuss his crackpottery that the board and others around the company have been leery of. He tells Starlin that today will be her first injection, and he prepares the needle. As time goes on, Zinthrop informs her that he’s come up with an even stronger tonic that will be perfect for creating a lotion-based form of the youth elixir. She practically squeals as she imagines her advertising department eating crow.

One of her secretaries finds Zinthrop’s formula, and brings it to the ad department. Now I’m bored. I thought this movie was about wasp-people, not some old-fashioned version of Wall Street with a wasp-sheen. Actually that would be awesome. Remake this with Martin Sheen as a wasp-man. Corporate espionage aside, I chug along, hoping that soon we will see Starlin’s mistake that leads to her becoming THE Wasp Woman.

And it quickly becomes apparent that she will make that mistake. Sneaking into Zinthrop’s lab, she injects herself with the stronger version of the extracted wasp jelly. Unfortunately, she pays no heed to the cat test subject with bulging tumors and frazzled hair, caged immediately left of Zinthrop’s test tubes. She appears at work the next day, looking younger than ever, informing her board that she will begin modeling her products yet again. Confiding in her secretary, she asks her how old she looks. “23, maybe 22?” What a bitch.

Zinthrop enters his lab, and examines his test subjects. He is attacked by the kitten and quickly murders it. Probably the worst kitten murder I’ve ever witnessed on film. Zinthrop hides the cat in a testing machine and stumbles out of his lab. That kitten must have bitten him with some kind of wasp powers. I was really hoping that the kitten would have had wings, but no such luck. One of Starlin’s ad men enters Zinthrop’s lab and looks for clues, still doubting the power of the wasp jelly. He looks like a regular Roger Stirling. Janice Starlin enters the lab, looking for Zinthrop, but leaves when he’s not to be found. Stirling’s pretty good at hide-and-seek and avoids detection. Out on the street, Zinthrop stumbles into traffic off-camera and is knocked back onto the street, vehicularly man-slaughtered.

Starlin’s concerned about the missing doctor, and calls in the police. They investigate her desk for the original letter from Zinthrop, only to discover that her secretary had stolen it. They interrogate the secretary, Mary, and eventually find a copy of the letter, and Zinthrop’s known address. Unfortunately, their combing of the streets is not fruitful. Eventually, they discover a John Doe that matches his description in critical condition at the hospital. He’s endured brain injury, and Starlin demands the best surgeon in New York to operate on Zinthrop.

After she discusses Zinthrop’s coma with her ad man, Starlin sneaks down into Zinthrop’s lab and injects herself with more of the tonic. The Roger Stirling look-alike runs down to the lab after discovering some scientific breakthrough, and prepares to run an analysis on the wasp jelly sample. Starlin, now completely wasped out, rushes from behind the wasps’ nests and attacks Stirling. In the next scene she appears normal, but suffering from headaches. She dismisses a board meeting after they throw down her plan to have the youth elixir branded as a type of medicine, telling them that they will not destroy the company’s most sellable product.

Starlin brings in a nursing staff to take care of Zinthrop on the premises, and she begs him to make more tonic, as she’s down to her last injection. Mary and her ad-man boyfriend, Lane, discover Stirling’s pipe and surmise that he has been killed. They also figure that the fat night watchman must have been killed by the same person. Zinthrop witnesses Starlin turn into the wasp woman and kill his nurse. When Mary and Lane, the ad man, find Zinthrop, he is too shocked to speak. Lane tells Mary to call the police. Not realizing that Starlin is the murderer, Mary approaches her and asks her to call the police. After Mary has left, Zinthrop can get the words together to inform Lane that Starlin is no longer human.

Starlin transforms into the wasp as Mary sits in her office, and she attacks her. Lane rushes up the stairs to catch Starlin dragging Mary’s body into Zinthrop’s lab. Zinthrop happens onto the scene, and he’s attacked by Starlin. Using a wooden stool, Lane pushes Starlin away, and Zinthrop is able to rise and hit Starlin with a bottle of acid. As she reels in pain, Lane slams the stool into her stomach, pushing her out the open window, and Starlin plunges to her death. Lane grabs Mary and holds her as a smoldering image of Starlin’s wasp-face closes the film.

So in the end, the monster that Cabot’s character created through medicine and chemistry destroyed her. Eerily shadowing her real life, this aspect of the film really hit me hard. I mean, most of it is the standard 1950s sci-fi drivel, but in hindsight it really depicts her character to be exactly like she was – so weak and terrified of her own image that she felt she had to change it – and I think it spoke to me about the hard, fast changes we all wish we could take, and sometimes do. A film entitled Black Oasis is in development about Cabot’s life and would star Rose McGowan. I hope it explores this aspect of artificial change and the detrimental events that can be caused by it, because today’s pop culture could certainly stand to learn that same lesson.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Wasp Jellies

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 7 - Horrors of Spider Island

2010-04-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Are you fucking kidding me? I’m on Horrors of Spider Island? Do not fret, dear readers, I checked the box multiple times to confirm that I am indeed about to watch a film entitled “Horrors of Spider Island.” Considering Karl Pilkington’s past endeavors on the Ricky Gervais podcast to describe a real-life Spider Island, I can feel only excitement in anticipation of this viewing. A quick IMDB search yields that after being filmed in Germany with the title “Ein Toter Hing Im Netz,” translated to “A Corpse Hangs in the Web,” the film was released to the U.S. with an Adults-Only rating in 1962, only to have its nude scenes removed and re-released in 1965 as “Horrors of Spider Island.” The film features the “German Jayne Mansfield,” Barbara Valentin – here credited as Barbara Valentine – in one of her first roles. And with bated breath, I begin my journey.

The credits are already titillating. “Introducing Barbara Valentine as Babs.” Sexy. The film opens in L.A., with visions of palm trees and classic cars until the barren German set is revealed as a car pulls up to a bleak building front. Mike Blackwood is the talent finder of a pin-up studio, wherein the girls discuss a journey to Singapore and the “30 nightclubs down there,” as well as their burgeoning racism. “Listen up, girls, when they take those turbans off they’re just the same as any other man.”

Gary Webster is the manager of this operation, and he’s ready to check out the dancers. He and his assistant, Georgia, enter Blackwood’s office and begin to select girls for their dance troop trip to Singapore. He rejects almost every girl who actually dances for him, but takes the exotic dancers and strippers, and chooses them by the crossing of his legs. I assumed Mr. Webster had no interest in seeing the girls dance until he hires a jazz dancer. For some reason he explains his leg-crossing trick to his underling, Blackwood, which at this point had become completely fucking obvious to the viewer.

And they’re off to Singapore by plane. Quickly, the plane calls mayday and attempts an emergency landing, by falling out of the sky in a fiery death crash. The girls scream as they plunge into the Pacific Ocean. This is pretty much the plot of LOST. Put a bunch of attractive women on a plane and let them crash into the ocean. On the life raft, the girls cry as they await their rescue. The discussion of rationing is broken off when they discover a bird and soon enough land. They paddle their way to the rocks, and disembark from their raft. The film is now about Gary Webster manning it up and keeping nine questionable women in line. This film is already getting tons of points for misogyny.

Webster finds a hammer and immediately surmises that it must be used for mining (most likely uranium). I didn’t know they used tiny hammers for that, but I’m also no uranium miner, so I won’t stay on this. They find a cabin, and inside the German titular corpse hanging in the web. The women run off, but Georgia and Webster investigate. They carry the man off and make the cabin corpseless and hospitable. As the women walk back into the cabin, a 2-foot-wide spider is seen scurrying in the bush. TERRIFYING! By rifling through the corpse’s belongings, clothing, and diaries, they discover that the man living in the cabin was a professor searching for uranium with one tiny hammer.

Cabin life begins to resemble The Real World as the women get ornery about food, dishes, clothing, and the heat. As Gary is seduced by one of the women, Georgia walks onto the scene, and chastises Gary. He complains of the heat, and of not knowing what he’s doing anymore, and walks off into the jungle to let off some steam. The spider-thing follows him. It attacks from a tree and strangles him. Gary is able to remove the spider and shoot it with the professor’s revolver. But it’s too late! Gary has been bitten, and begins to resemble a spider. The next day, Georgia grabs some of the women and they begin to scour the island. She forces Gary’s seductress, Linda, to stay behind at the cabin. As two of the women search, Gary watches from the jungle, his spider face scowling. He nearly grabs one of them, but she pushes his claw away from her hair, not noticing it at all. Back at the cabin, Linda enjoys some cool water, and is attacked by spider-Gary. She is found drowned in the pond. The women bury her and become concerned about their safety and the month-long supply of food they have found in the cabin. Eventually, they make it for a full month on the island, apparently surviving by merely standing around in bikinis and giggling.

Two men arrive on the island, who identify themselves as the professors’ lackeys, and grumble about their lot in life. While one drinks a bit from their supply of whiskey, he hears the survival-necessary giggling of the women while they swim. What I don’t understand about the women is that there is an obvious spider-thing scouring the island, and they still swim around and goof off. I know they’re upset that they haven’t been rescued after a month, but shouldn’t they be engaging in more useful activities? I guess I have a lot more to learn about survival on an abandoned island. One of the women screams, and is apparently grabbed by whiskey grumbler, and while the other women search for her they find the location of Gary’s spider shooting and transformation. Eventually they discover that whiskey grumbler a.k.a. Bobby was the reason for her disappearance. Soon enough they find his partner-in-crime, Joe, and they tell them their sad slightly spider-related, but much more bikini-related failed sojourn to Singapore.

With these two men comes the promise of rescue. And as a ship is contacted by the men’s radio, the women decide to throw a dance party. As they cajole and cavort, there is only a feeling of foreboding dread. Why do people insist on having dance parties on an island inhabited by Spider-Gary? Why not just wait until you are ON the boat? These are the kinds of questions that won’t be answered. Bobby, the whiskey grumbler, intends to head off into the woods with one of the women to make time, and it’s obvious that only trouble is in his future. His buddy, the quiet one, falls for one of the women, Anne, and flirts with her near the cabin. He informs her of his feelings, an almost love-at-first-sight situation. Bobby hardly has time to make time with any girl, as he is continuously distracted from one to the next. So apparently the only trouble befalling him is too many women.

Bobby and his friend eventually fight over his friends’ love for Anne, something Bobby sees as silly, and though I have to agree with Bobby - considering they’ve been on this island with the women for less than 24 hours - I can understand how his words upset his friend. They fight for a bit, until they decide how silly it is for them to be fighting, and Bobby goes off to find Gladys, the girl he “really wants.” Gladys finds Bobby, bitten on the neck, with Spider-Gary nearby. Spider-Gary grabs Gladys and drops her off a cliff, and Joe chases after Spider-Gary, confronting him, until he has time to run back to the cabin. He uses Georgia as bait, who for a time is able to soothe the beast, until Joe makes a sound and Spider-Gary chases him around a table. Joe grabs a flare and chases Spider-Gary out of the cabin.

They chase Spider-Gary into the jungle, and surround him with the frightening flares. They are able to push Spider-Gary towards the quicksand, and he drowns in it, with Joe muttering, “He’s not dead, he’ll continue living.” I’m no biologist, but I’m pretty certain that Joe is wrong. The film ends as a boat is seen sailing towards the ocean, and yet another terrible movie has wasted my time for a little over an hour.

Before I grade this movie, I must admit that it probably would have been better with nudity, though there were plenty of embarrassing scenes left. The 15 minute dance party was completely pointless, and any of the points that may have been made about love and women’s rights were completely negated by the fact that they were ON A FUCKING ISLAND WITH AN EVIL HUMAN-SPIDER HYBRID LURKING IN THE JUNGLE. The five-minute long catfight that takes place at one time during the film was so embarrassing, that added nudity could have only helped. At least it eventually ended, and I was able to forget the “Horrors of Spider Island.”

Rating: 1 out of 9 Whores of Spider Island

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 6 - The Atomic Brain

2009-11-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

"Is the next step the transplantation of the human brain?" Dr. Otto Frank, a scientist with the moral acumen of Donald Rumsfeld, wants to answer this question, and many others. Using the funding of a dying spinster, he conducts experiments in a mansion basement, placing the brains of animals into dead human bodies and reanimating them using “atomic fission produced in a cyclotron.” Yes, this 1964 drive-in trash film explores the evils of atomic power, but does so by presenting it as most of our evils truly exist: they can both benefit and destroy us. The original title of this film, “Monstrosity” is perhaps a more fitting one than its change for television broadcast to “The Atomic Brain.” In its most offensive and exploitive way, it really is examining the monster that can exist within the human psyche, and how man will go to all lengths to succeed, even if the path is a murderous one.

The film begins with the doctor’s testing of his technology. Before the process of human brain transplantation can occur, he must first attempt the transplanting of larger and more intricate animal brains. Dr. Otto Frank uses one of his already created animal-human hybrids to carry out bodies from the local cemetary. We quickly discover that the old woman and the doctor are at odds over what’s more important: the science or the application of this technology. When Hetty March discovers that Otto Frank is becoming less cautious during his grave robbing, she has concerns over her dream of living forever being discovered by local authorities, whereas the doctor merely sees a hurdle he must leap over. However, Mrs. March is more concerned with the quality of the group of women she has chosen as her own stable of expendable human cattle.

Three women arrive in L.A. and are picked up by Mrs. March's lap dog of a boyfriend/companion/and for some reason the narrator describes him as a gigolo, Victor. These three women are all in line for what they believe to be a domestic position. The narrator describes the situation:

Three new bodies. Fresh, live, young bodies. No families or friends within thousands of miles, no one to ask embarrassing questions when they disappear. Victor wondered which one Mrs. March would pick. The little Mexican, the girl from Vienna, or the buxom blonde? Victor knew his pick, but he still felt uneasy, making love to an 80 year old woman in the body of a 20 year old girl; it's insanity!

This drive-in film is not pulling any punches in the objectification of women. As the women first arrived at the airport the camera even follows their gait from a close behind shot, with the score emphasizing their very important rhythmic movements. As the doctor makes his medical investigation of the women, Mrs. March quickly sends one of the women away for having a birth mark on her back. The blonde woman exclaims, “I have the same measurements as Marilyn Monroe,” giggling incessantly. She is quickly decided upon by Mrs. March over Nina, the Austrian girl. Nina and Anita are sent to their rooms, which are in the attic and the basement, respectively. Bea, our buxom blonde, is sent to her luxurious quarters and prepares herself for what she believes to be a life of servanthood.

That night, Anita meets her doom at the hands of the wolfman hybrid, the same one that helped Dr. Frank accomplish his grave robbing. Nina and Bea discuss the disappearance of Anita while polishing silver. Mrs. March quickly scolds Bea for abusing what she knows will soon be her very own hands. Bea’s British accent is awful, and definitely dubbed. I can barely stand to listen to it without thinking how terribly the directors of these films attempt to present different cultures.

Nina and Bea decide that something’s up and investigate the basement of the mansion. They hide while Dr. Frank passes by with his favorite cat, which the narrator informs us of for absolutely no reason. Soon the cat’s brain will be in the body of Anita. Why there is a progression from wolf to dog to cat brain is unapparent to me. It would seem to me that placing any animal brain inside the body of a human being is equally difficult, but the doctor insists that he is forwarding his research. While the doctor is working, a dog-brain girl makes her way out of the lab and into the rest of the house. Mrs. March searches for Bea, concerned that the two women are spending too much time together. She locks them into Bea’s room. Why do old people’s houses always have doors that lock from the outside?

Anita, now fully transplanted with the brain of the doctor’s favorite cat, eats a mouse in front of Mrs. March. She also is extremely friendly with the doctor, as his cat was. While dog-brain girl is out in the yard, Bea and Nina witness her getting attacked by the wolfman hybrid from their window. The doctor prods wolfman back to the house and chains him to a tree. After witnessing this, the group is certain that the women will have no plans to leave the house, else they get attacked. Unfortunately for them, Nina and Bea plan just that, with Bea attempting to seduce Victor and get his car. Victor hears the calling of Mrs. March, and runs off to see what she needs, while he leaves Bea in the garden. There she sees Anita, who scratches her from the top of the gazebo, clawing out Bea’s eyes. Nina then sees Anita on the roof of the house, and quickly runs up through the attic to reach the roof and talk to her. As they precariously walk across the edge of the roof, the wolfman spots them and becomes excited. He begins to yell as Anita begins climbing down the side of the house, only to lose her hold on the wall and fall to her death.

Nina walks into the basement to find Bea unconscious and prepped for the transplant. But now that she’s lost her eye, she is not the perfect woman to become Mrs. March. She has Anita try on some new clothes, and the narrator interjects,

Mrs. March had not realized her future body had such a satisfactory shape. Perhaps not as spectacular as the English girl but in excellent taste. She couldn't help being amused. The stupid girl was not only modeling Mrs. March's future wardrobe but Mrs. March's future body: so firm, so nicely round in places men like.

Soon Nina approaches Victor about the true wishes of Mrs. March. Having been spurned by the old crone, Victor decides to help Nina by murdering Mrs. March and allowing Nina, the real Nina, to inherit her fortune regardless. Mrs. March’s own paranoia has already gotten to her, and she decides to murder Victor before he’s able to do anything. Dr. Frank prepares Nina and Mrs. March for the brain transplant. While Mrs. March is undergoing her portion of the transplant he stirs Nina and asks her to stay with him and Bea in the house and use the funds so that he can continue his research in peace. Nina comes to the realization that the doctor has already completed the transplant, placing Mrs. March’s brain in the body of his cat. He begs Nina to see things his way, but after she seems reluctant, he realizes that he will need to turn her into one of his willing animal hybrid slaves. He enters the chamber to prepare for the transplant.

Mrs. March is quite the cat, and interacts with the controls while Dr. Frank is inside. Very soon the machine fries Dr. Frank, leaving only his skeleton. During the commotion, Nina is able to escape from the gurney she is strapped to and make an escape. During this time, Bea hears the noise and makes her way down to the basement, only to be electrocuted by some equipment. Nina escapes the house as it quakes from some kind of nuclear breakdown, and runs through the forest, while an angry black cat watches her go.

In the end, almost everyone’s dead, which is how a good exploitative science fiction film should end. The cat and Anita are the only ones to survive, and I am hopeful that Anita does find some kind of help, that she does find a home that needs true domestic help, instead of another spinster with murderous desires. I look forward to more of the drive-in trash in this series of films, and hope they will be just as sexy and confusing. And I wonder how any young man who may have taken these movies too seriously would be able to live without these sexy, confusing themes constantly in the back of his mind. I am of course thinking of George Lucas. There’s nothing more sexy and confusing than a brother and sister falling in love in a full-on space opera.

Rating: 2 Cat-brains out of 5

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 5 - The Amazing Transparent Man

2009-10-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have never really been a fan of the invisible man story, at least a deliberate one. I can appreciate Ellison’s, but I never really got Huxley’s. The power of invisibility has obvious and usually lurid connotations. I know what I would do if I were invisible, and so do another million formerly pimply-faced, comic book-reading, men around the world. So when I come into a film knowing that it is already a poor excuse of a story I don’t really like, I can’t expect much. The Amazing Transparent Man was a film that hit drive thru’s across the nation in 1960, and features Marguerite Chapman in her last role in a feature film. No, I’ve never heard of her either, but she has a star on the walk of fame and she was in about 20 films throughout the 1940s, so she gets honorable mention, even though she doesn’t do much here.

The film begins with an escaped convict chased by the baying of dogs, who eventually finds his rescue in the form of a convertible driven by a sultry woman. By playing the old drunk-husband-being-ferried-by-his-doting-wife routine, the two quickly escape a police blockade. I immediately wish that this film will continue like the episode of the Twilight Zone that began the same way, but ended in the man and woman being pets/dolls to a child of a giant alien race. The message in that Twilight Zone is actually one of the most misogynistic, but I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you. Anyway, I digress. This film is nothing like that Twilight Zone episode anyway. The man asks the woman why she broke him out. “You’ll find out soon enough, when we get to where we’re going,” she informs him. They soon arrive at an old house in the country after day break.

The ex-con has quickly changed into a tuxedo at some point, and gets eyed down by a cowboy-hat-wearing guard outside the house. Laura, the sultry woman, has brought the criminal, Joey Faust, to the presence of an ex-major of some unknown military background. Major Krenner has brought Faust to his company for Faust’s renown as an expert safe-breaker. The cowboy hat is named Julian, and quickly makes his strengths known by informing Faust that one shot from his rifle will rip his spine right out of his body. The Major has plans to con Faust into breaking into a government facility to steal nuclear secrets. Krenner then introduces Faust to a scientist who has developed a ray that utilizes every spectrum of light to examine all tissue and structure of the human body. Dr. Ulof dutifully reads his cue cards and informs the men of the dangers of x-ray, alpha, beta and omega radiation. The doctor joins the men in their lead barrier after strapping a guinea pig on a table beneath the ray. Exposing the guinea pig to the ray turns it completely invisible to the eye. A door next to the ray interests Faust, and the Major becomes tight-lipped and looks constipated. “It’s no concern of yours,” he informs Faust.

While Faust sleeps, Julian stares in at him from the other room while reading gun magazines. The restless Faust awakes and fixes himself a drink, then opens his door to in turn take a coy peep at Julian. Faust lures Julian into his room by knocking at the side of the door and immediately knocks him out. A really cool screen wipe is accomplished when Faust uses his bed sheets to cover Julian and in turn the camera. He takes Julian’s gun and sneaks upstairs to the ray, and the door in which he was so interested. While investigating the door, the doctor comes from behind a divider to stop Faust. Apparently the Major is blackmailing the doctor and making him sleep in a twin bed next to a nuclear reactor. The Major keeps the doctor’s daughter behind that locked door near the ray to keep him in his employ, and the doctor begs Faust to open it. Faust is having none of it, thinking of his own problems, and his own daughter, whom he believes to be safe for the time being. When the doctor challenges Faust’s lock-picking skills, Faust perks up, not willing to let himself be bested. “I can open that thing blindfolded!”

Before Faust can open the door, a gun-toting Laura stops him and brings him back downstairs. Faust attempts to bribe Laura to his side, but Julian wakes up and knocks him out. It seems all sides are under the thumb of Major Krenner, and are willing to consider all options. Laura and Julian protect Faust when the Major returns, and Laura informs Faust that she’s willing to turn to his side, in exchange for the money Faust offers for her turning over the ray. The next morning, Major Krenner approaches Laura and takes issue with her helping Faust of course. He begins slapping Laura quite a bit, telling her to lay off the vodka. This further turns her interests towards Faust, who himself employs a no-slap, heavy boozing policy. The Major and the doctor still get Faust on the table down under the ray and are ready to begin the procedure.

Faust’s invisibility allows him to take advantage of the situation. Not being strapped down like the guinea pig, he immediately jumps off the table before the group emerges from the lead barrier. Of course the first thing he does as an invisible man is what any red-blooded invisible man would do – he begins kissing Laura on the neck. Then he plants a sucker punch into Major Krenner’s stomach and tells him that the deal’s only going to work on Faust’s terms.

While Faust enjoys his success at breaking out the nuclear X-13 material out from the government vault, the doctor and Krenner are upstairs debating the safety of using X-13 in the ray and the sustained doses of radiation poisoning that the guinea pig and Faust must endure to become invisible and then get turned back. You see, the guinea pig has died, but Krenner sees a win-win situation for him. If Faust dies from the radiation poisoning, he won’t be able to blackmail Krenner anymore, and testing the X-13 on Faust will allow the doctor to create a more powerful ray, one that will eventually be able to turn entire armies invisible. Krenner comes downstairs to inform Faust that his next heist must be done in broad daylight. The security has been tripled on the nightshift, but maintains the same personnel during the day. On the way to the government vault, Faust decides to knock over a bank, but unfortunately his heist is blown by his becoming visible again. A half-bodied Faust is soon identified by a bank teller.

Faust returns to the country house after leaving Laura behind with her cut of the bank money. He attacks Krenner and locks him in the room the Major has been keeping the doctor’s daughter in. When Laura returns, Julian tries to stop her, but she informs him that Julian’s son who has been the source of Krenner’s blackmail is already dead, and that Julian is just a puppet at this point. Julian, the doctor, his daughter Marie and Joey Faust leave the house and are planning to escape to somewhere the doctor can repair Faust’s disappearing state. The doctor informs Faust that they will both die from radiation poisoning, and they should stand up to Krenner to stop him from his dream of creating an invisible army. Before Faust can retrieve Laura from the house, Krenner shoots her during the escape and Faust realizes it’s time to approach Krenner. Krenner throws acid on Faust and then sets up the ray to be used on him, but Krenner, in his need for success, tries to return to the safe to get all the research data. While doing so, the X-13 is exposed to the ray and the house is destroyed in a nuclear explosion.

Meanwhile, the doctor, his daughter and Julian have gotten away, and when the FBI and local law enforcement begin examining the nuclear fallout from the blast, they bring Dr. Ulof to them for questioning. He explains the maniacal plans of Krenner to the detectives, and suggests that they let the wishes of that madman die with him. He yearningly looks to the camera and asks the viewer, “What would you do?”

The film is short, with a run time of about 57 minutes, and wasn’t a giant waste of time. I actually enjoyed the anti-nuclear message and the obvious ending that is employed by this 1960 film. It’s pretty obvious that the threat of the Cold War seeps its way into almost every aspect of the culture, and shitty drive-thru movies are no exception. But like I said, I knew exactly what Faust would do the minute he turned invisible, attempting to make time with a WWII era starlet.

Rating: 2 X-13 canisters out of 5.

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 4 - She Gods of Shark Reef

2009-10-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

Roger Corman, the most famous of B-list directors, influenced so many directors and actors of the 20th century that even James Cameron, during interviews for Terminator, remarked that he attended the “Roger Corman School of Film.” Corman was exclusively known for his cheap and quick fixes to film problems. Today’s film was directed by Corman, who claimed that he could shoot, edit and complete a film in three days, and could have directed a film about the fall of Rome using two extras and a sagebrush. So obviously, She Gods of Shark Reef immediately presents itself with such quality. In fact, IMDB notes that Corman would usually shoot two films on location after securing permits, and this was the second of the two he filmed in Hawaii in the late ‘50s, the other being Naked Paradise, essentially making She Gods of Shark Reef a second rate B movie.

I particularly dread this entry. In fact, the first five minutes of this film are what pushed this entire project into hiatus, so dismal and boring they were (at least as far as I remember them). But now I feel that forging on is something I have to do. Like the scientists contained within films throughout history, I must ask myself, "But what if we can," and not merely state that "this endeavor is physically, chemically, and ethically impossible."

The biggest turn-off immediately presents itself as the lack of quality in the transfer. It looks like the film was transferred from a rubber band onto VHS, then somehow scraped onto a DVD. Everything visual about this film, from the color to the frames, makes me want to vomit. But let's get on to the action. The film begins with two men – one in turban, the other in khakis – swimming up towards a dock, and climbing on top to stick a knife in a guard. This allows them to acquire guns from a container, but before they can make off into the night, another guard in a safari hat approaches and scares off turban man. Safari Hat and the khaki swimmer throw down some fisticuffs and eventually Safari Hat gets knocked out. As the khaki man swims away, a narrator speaks (the khaki-wearing swimmer, himself), describing his trip from the guarded docks to the other side of the island, where he and his brother took a schooner that eventually stranded them on a reef. This quickly cuts to film of two men and a woman swimming with some sharks and fish – the woman carrying a knife, while more women in long boats approach the scene. The knife-wielding woman cuts through a shark like butter, then manages to grab the blonde brother. She and her friends eventually help both brothers into their boats. Apparently in the confusion another one of their colleagues has died (I am assuming the turban man, though I think they call him John.)

The leader of the women on the island, Queen Pua, (I am assuming that these women are the titular She-gods) tells them that they are not welcome and that they will depart on the first boat that comes from the main land. Christy and Lee Johnson are apparently brothers on a “freelance” marine biology mission and tell the leader such. The Island Company is apparently these women’s benefactor, and deals in pearls. After telling the men this, the leader goes and flies a red and yellow flag, sending message by semaphore, which for no reason is defined by Christy to his ignorant-of-semaphore brother Lee.

Apparently, Lee Johnson is on a quest to get somewhere, but blonde-haired Christy is the more level-headed of the brothers and tells him that he’s had just about enough of hearing about his quest. However, Christy does immediately take interest in the leader’s description of the Shark God who guards the opening of the reef.

After fishing to no success one afternoon, Lee and Christy are finally treated to some food, and some fine island dancing by the women on the island. This is of course all frowned upon by Pua, who continually cites how many company policies these two ne’er-do-wells must be in violation of. The savior of the men, named Mahia, has taken quite a liking to Christy, and when she places a lei around his neck, Pua runs out and yells about taboos, and pulls all the women away from the Johnson men. Apparently the fact that she saved the men when the shark god was angry (hungry) has put Pua into the ultimate piss-fit. Christy convinces Mahia that she was meant to save him – that the gods brought her to them the day she saved the Johnson brothers. They then kiss, and stroll through some beautiful island backdrops while Pua stares on. After Pua gives Christy some lip he decides that maybe he should get off the island with his brother Lee and the catamaran Lee just so happened to find hidden in some underbrush.

Unfortunately, Christy runs back to the village to say goodbye to Mahia, the ultimate mistake for any man in a black and white sci-fi film, and witnesses a creepy ceremony wherein the women of the island, led by Pua, ask for forgiveness from the shark gods. At this point the shark god, some spirits of the dead, Jesus Christ, and the Pearl Company itself are completely upset with Mahia and her people. No sign from these malevolent beings is given at the end of the forgiveness ceremony and Pua informs Mahia that the next day she and others will swim with the fishes, literally. The female sacrifices are brought out to the reef to be tied and drowned near the sharks, but not before Christy Johnson gets to them and saved Mahia from death, swimming her back to shore on a surfboard. Pua and her teams of catamaran rowers chase Christy back to the shore. Chris and Lee attend to her while Pua runs off to make some more flag-talk.

Pua eventually follows the men to their secret catamaran and realizes their intention of leaving and taking Mahia with them. Before Pua can keep Mahia hidden somewhere on the island, the men approach Pua and Mahia struggling in the grass. Mahia tells them that the boat is coming sooner than expected and that they must leave now. Lee begs Chris not to bring Mahia with them, saying that he is merely using her as an ace in the hole to escape. Lee then runs to the island’s pearl depository and makes off with a bag of pearls. They leave the island with Mahia and a tied up Pua. On the boat, Lee shows them that he merely took maps from the safe, and none of the pearls. At it gets dark they decide that their only chance is to land on the reef and wait until morning to continue. At this point, Lee’s dark past is brought up, as he is apparently wanted for killing a man while trying to smuggle those guns from the opening scene. His status as a criminal is what has had the two men nervous about the entire time. Lee swims back to the island from the reef to actually steal some pearls this time, but leaves one of the island women badly beaten. When he returns to Chris and Mahia on the reef he brags about stopping the woman and proceeds to get into a fist fight with his brother.

Lee gets away but is soon tailed by a shark, and while messing with his makeshift sail, he falls into the ocean, a precarious few yards from Tangaroa, the Shark God, himself. Mahia and Chris attempt to save Lee but to no avail. They swim back to the reef and sail off into the sunset, leaving Pua behind on the reef, only for her yelling to poor Mahia to go unheeded. Mahia tells Chris that they will finally leave the evil behind them.

This film stood out to me as one I will unfortunately find a lot of during my time watching these films – a “just bad” entry in the annals of science fiction history. I always hope for either a hidden gem or a “so bad it’s good” situation, but this film is actually too boring and regular to be either. The writing and story are solid – there are actual themes – Mahia and Chris are both up against evil in their lives to which they are innately tied. The existences of a pearl company as a malevolent force in Pua’s life, and the belief in the Shark God which is present in all the lives of the island women are interesting developments in the film that don’t seem to go anywhere. The film could explore these tropes, but if it did, it would be too long; the quality of the film itself being nearly aggravating and unwatchable. I hope that the next few films do not suffer from this same yellowed, unloved quality that immediately gives any viewer a head ache and the need for strong, strong alcohol.

Rating: 1 ~~She~~ Shark God out of 5

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 3 - Moon of the Wolf

2009-07-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend has already been one full of science fiction classics. So when I popped this week’s selection into the xbox, I wasn’t expecting a classic werewolf movie like my favorite childhood film, Teen Wolf, but something far worse. I was surprised to find that I thoroughly enjoyed the tv movie of the week that was Moon of the Wolf from 1972.

In 1972, another film featuring a similar southern backdrop has become an American film classic. And truly, within the first few minutes of Moon of the Wolf, it seemed like it would leap off the screen like a werewolf version of Deliverance. I wasn’t necessarily excited for werewolf rape scenes, but at least I hoped that I would get a mustache-and-leather combo that could rival Burt Reynolds. The film begins as an old shotgun-wielding, rocking chair aficionado and his son discover a woman dead in the underbrush. “Once these dogs get the taste of human blood, ain’t nobody gonna be safe in their houses,” intones the old man, and instantly the film sweeps into its slow-going, and deliberate Louisiana werewolf struggle.

The sheriff is called in and a doctor, whose performance immediately reminds me of Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, but with about zero humanity, demands that the body be moved to a place that isn’t a swamp for the autopsy. The men who found the body, the Gurmandy family, are on the lowest rung of this small town’s pecking order, and some quick jabs are made at their apparent lack of wealth. The doctor then prepares the body to be moved to his office.

The autopsy confirms that although it appears a feral creature killed the poor woman, it must have had the sense and strength to knock her out before mauling her. The doctor reasons that no dog could have done this, and also confirms to the sheriff that the perpetrator must have been left-handed for the strike is visible along the right side of the woman’s face. This just so happens to have been the same defense Atticus Finch used to confirm that Tom Robinson could not have raped Mayella Ewell. Will this movie finally be the werewolf retelling of To Kill A Mockingbird for which I always hoped??

The sheriff talks to Lawrence Burrifors, brother to the dead woman, Ellie. Apparently, her association with some snobby upper hills locals makes this bayou-bred man suspicious of her death. When the sheriff asks the young man to show him how he would throw a punch, he discovers that Lawrence is left-handed.
Andrew Rodanthe, a classy horse-riding gentleman from Pecan Hill, is found to be a member of the wealthiest family in town, and the sheriff asks him and an old flame, Louise – Andrew’s sister – about the body. Louise asks the sheriff to call upon her sometime, and Andrew seems nervous to let her continue taking up the sheriff’s time. Although Lawrence, the bayou bum, seems to be the sheriff’s first suspect, I am beginning to believe that Andrew Rodanthe has something to hide (other than his sister’s overt sexuality).

The sheriff meets up with the sassy black maid to Lawrence’s family, the Burrifors, and she informs him that she’s buying some materials to keep the “Lucarook” away, a creature which Hugh, the patriarch of the Burrifors family, is concerned about. I’m assuming this is some bayou word associated with werewolves or voodoo or some kind of hybrid voodoo/werewolf/witch doctor amalgam, but she seems to have doubts about the presence of this supernatural creature. She tells the sheriff that when he finds out who got Ellie pregnant, then he will be on the right track for finding her killer. I’m actually somewhat impressed with the kind of class/racial balance being played out in this small-town Louisiana story, and I’m also impressed that so far this made-for-tv movie is better than the last two entries.

It turns out the old doctor was the man who Ellie was supposed to meet the night she died. Apparently Ellie’s pregnancy was his doing - he wanted an abortion, she wanted marriage - and they were meeting to discuss the sad details of their mess, but she never showed. He left for home after waiting a short while, and never saw her again. The doctor asks him about the chemicals he saw Sara buying, and Dr. Druten told him that they were once used by his grandmother to keep wolves away. The doctor once again tells the sheriff that he didn’t kill Ellie. The sheriff knows the doctor is no southpaw, and he leaves the room. Before leaving, he also puts out the one thing nobody ever mentions in To Kill a Mockingbird. If the assailant came up from behind Ellie, then the man could have been right-handed, pretty much destroying my trust and idolization of Atticus Finch. The sheriff leaves the doctor’s office to find Louise on the town mall. They go grab a cup of coffee.

Over coffee, Louise confides in the doctor that she returned to her old hometown and ancestral manor from New York because the man she was living with walked out on her. Andrew, ever the protective brother, cut off his own sister financially and sent detectives to the city to return her to Louisiana, while telling the townsfolk that she was sick. Andrew then arrives in the bar/coffee shop and tells Louise that she should return to the manor to get some rest, and invites the sheriff to the wild dog hunt that Lawrence and his father are planning for the next day.

Sara, while waiting on Hugh Burrifors, informs Lawrence about the baby that Dr. Druten was going to have with his sister, Ellie. The men are meeting in town to prepare for their wild dog hunt when Lawrence, angered by this news, runs towards the doctor and lays him down with a sucker punch. The sheriff puts Lawrence into the county lock-up and lets him sleep it off. They say that while the cat’s away the mice will play, so it’s fitting that when the townsfolk go hunting for wild dogs, the sheriff goes to play grab-ass with Louise up at the Rodanthe mansion. There he lays down the entire trinity of suspects – Dr. Druten, who is too good of a friend to the sheriff for him to believe that he could have committed murder; Lawrence, who seems like too much of a doting brother to really murder his sister; and the Gurmandys, who the sheriff believes Ellie would spend no time with, accounting on their low social status. After the sheriff explains the entire game to Louise, night falls, and the dog hunt continues as the moon glows bright. Lawrence, alone in his cell, hears the howling of a wolf, and the screams of a deputy being mauled. A terribly close cut shot of Lawrence is the last we see of him before he falls down bloody in his cell, the third apparent victim to whatever beast is causing raucous around town.

When Andrew appears to ask the sheriff to deputize him, I’ve already marked him down as the prime candidate for werewolfery. When the sheriff takes Andrew over to the Burrifors house to check in on old Hugh, Sara invites both men inside, and just as Andrew is approaching the porch, he smells something that makes him convulse and seize on the ground. Perhaps the sulfur and other chemicals that Sara procured from the general store work on him just like wolves as Dr. Druten suggests.

When Louise goes to interpret the incoherent French ramblings of Hugh Burrifors, she discovers that the man is not saying Lucarook, but loup garou or lycanthrope – a werewolf! He tells Louise that she will be the next victim, and the next scene shows our favorite wealthy weirdo, Andrew Rodanthe, slowly transforming into the loup garou. The town goes into lockdown as the mayor calls out an all-out war on the Rodanthe werewolf. Louise tries to stop the mob, but only diverts their anger towards her, and the sheriff has to return her to her home. The sheriff and she discover a book on lycanthropy, and a possible solution to Andrew’s problem – some superstitious mumbo jumbo according to the sheriff, but according to Louise, a real and possible solution to Andrew’s disease.

The sheriff tells Louise to lock herself inside the house and she does just that, but unfortunately the werewolf returns quickly and breaks into the house. Louise escapes through a window and heads off to the stables. She had just read in her Wolf Bible before being accosted by her own brother, that the lycanthrope can only be killed by a blessed bullet, or immolation and she uses an old kerosene lamp to burn her own brother to death in the stables on the Rodanthe estate. As she cries over her brother’s photograph inside the manor, she soon hears the howling of yet another wolf, and with gun wielded, prepares for the appearance of her not-so-dead brother. After firing three bullets upon Andrew, she falls to the ground, just as the sheriff runs up to attempt a rescue. She realizes that Andrew had realized what kind of monster he was, and had the bullets in his own gun blessed in case he ever came to harm his own family.

In the end, my confidence in former hero Atticus Finch has been completely shaken; a class system in a small town in Louisiana has been destroyed by the discovery of lycanthropy in the wealthiest family in town; and not one person portrayed a more mustached or leathery appearance than Deliverance era Burt Reynolds. However, the film was pretty good, and the best one I’ve seen so far in this movie pack, but do not fret. The first five minutes of the next film were nigh unwatchable, and my anger and venom will be back in full force for She Gods of Shark Reef.

Rating: 3 Werewolf Bibles out of 5.

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part 2 - Queen of the Amazons

2009-06-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

The globalized world has hundreds of materials used in building, maintaining and beautifying the infrastructure of the first world, over which millions of people slave, fight, and die to produce in the third world. Meanwhile the privileged individuals enjoying those materials feign guilt and sadness, until public sentiment overcomes the abundance and frugality of using those materials, and crushes their use, further depressing the third world. Blood diamonds, various blubbers and oils from sea creatures, Burger King toys - the list is endless. But more than any of these other materials, ivory has become the go-to standard for strife and disagreement, and policing of those poachers whose livelihoods rely on the sweet-ass tusks of the elephant. Today’s film is like a boring documentary on the subject, and unfortunately for viewers, it’s entirely fictional.

Akbar – not the admiral, but the city, is where our story begins. I believe it’s a fictional city in India, because no Google search yields any results. A group of white Americans has arrived, and they are in search of a man. A man named Greg Jones. To one searcher, he is a son. To another, he is a fiancé. The relationship between the lost man and the two other members of the search party is entirely unknown to me throughout the film, except I know one is a basic a-hole, and the other is a professor fascinated by bugs who wears giant glasses. In feud-riddled Akbar, Americans aren’t popular, but they decide to check into a hotel anyway.

As our party loiters in the lobby of the hotel, a strange woman is seen making eyes at them. Staring is the easiest way to creep people out. I have a feeling that every film in this series will include onlookers giving wild-eyed, yearning stares. As the party leaves for their room, the hotel clerk calls upon a silhouette of a large man with an old phone. Shadow tells the clerk to detain the party. Jean, Greg’s fiancée, is accosted by the once-staring woman who tells her that a tiger mauled most of his safari members. By the way, this entry is probably the biggest grammar lesson I will ever receive on fiancé vs. fiancée. Eventually, googly-eyes’ husband walks in and is prepared to tell them all he knows about Greg.

A gunman behind the curtains calmly draws his gun and murders the staring woman’s husband.. The group flees from the terror of India and takes a river boat to the heart of Africa. Stock footage of hippos, crocodiles and seagulls is seen through the porthole of the ship. They find their way to Kybo, where the only guide who can help them is a known woman hater! Misogyny! He finds them distracting. He is found taking target practice, where his pet crow changes targets after they are shot through fully. I am a sucker for animals in movies, especially Uncle Billy’s crow in It’s A Wonderful Life, so things are shaping up nicely, as far as my sanity remaining intact.

The commissioner of Kybo begs this gentleman Gary to take the searching party into the heart of the jungle. Eventually, Jean decides to step up and prove to Gary that not all women are useless. She proves it by taking shots at his targets, with Foley editing assisted by a tom drum. I have honestly never heard a louder and faker gun noise used in any movie. I would imagine that if the wizards of firearms do one day invent the laser guns of Star Wars and that science fiction ilk, that the pew pews of those films will more closely resemble the noise of those guns, than Jean’s gun sounded like an actual pistol – an absolutely available weapon at the time.

They need to ask a crazy man with a pet monkey to be their safari cook. The script is a steel trap of logic. Gabby, the cook, insists that he stick around Kybo because the cook he hired for himself hates when he goes away. Again, I’m absolutely mystified by this excuse, but maybe it’s some kind of 1940s era joke regarding cooks having cooks, unfortunately line read like a eulogy.

PET UPDATE! Gary’s pet bird Jimmy is so far the star of the movie. He’s replaced targets for target practice, and fetched matches for the commissioner’s pipe. Gabby’s monkey hasn’t done shit, except maybe laugh at one of Gabby’s stupid jokes.
Again, the documentary-like asides that are present in these old movies bother me to no end. They take a break to watch natives dancing, and describe the insertion of bamboo shoots into the skin as marks of respect. They spend even more time watching dances with the second tribe they visit to ask for support on their safari. This tribe tells the group of a White Goddess in the jungle.

Right now I just wish they would make a movie about the monkey and Jimmy. The monkey knocked a bunch of pans over and hid in a basket. Jimmy swooped down and perched on the basket, trapping the monkey inside.

Jean is concerned about the Amazons, who are lead by the White She Devil. One of the tribesmen, Tondra, tells Jean and Gary about the evil women, and how they were survivors of a shipwreck. Gary believes every word, while Jean remains skeptical. The next day Tondra finds a gold coin that Jean recognizes as a gift she gave to Greg. The narrator, Greg’s father, Colonel Jones, describes that evil begins to befall their campsite. While Jean and Gary discuss the White She Devil and her possible imprisonment of Greg, Gary is attacked by a lion! Jean picks up a gun and watches the lion maul Gary instead of shooting it. Wayne, the formerly a-hole party member, rushes in and saves Gary. Wayne’s been relatively low key so far, but he has been a complete dick. Wayne brings up a possible conspiracy that ties back into the murder in India, and the shadowy phone call. He implicates Gary as being involved and a possible reason they can’t find Greg.

Gary and Jean discuss her feelings for Greg. Apparently Gary and Jean have some history, which I somehow missed when he decided to join up for the group. Or not, either way, things are starting to look weird. The following bit of dialogue takes place:
“You got me so mixed up.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do.”

The next morning Wayne is found murdered, the group is attacked by locusts, and they enter lion country, “the land of Simba.” Big Lion King fan, the colonel/narrator. The tribesmen go after lions, who have just killed Bombo, the only member of the tribe who knew the way to the White She Devil’s lair other than Wayne, with whom he had confided the map. Without any navigational cues they continue their journey. The lion hunt is pretty exciting though, and five lions are killed by the tribesmen. They reach the Elephant country, which is right before the Forbidden Country. It actually seems like the directions are pretty clear, at least by estimation of the narrator. I’m surprised they needed Bombo.

Then in the big twist, Greg and Zita, the titular Queen of the Amazons, and a complete piece of ass, are seen canoodling with both a stuffed gorilla and her pet lion. Zita tells Greg that she will be kind to the safari members when they arrive, but when he leaves, she confides in her lion that she will “handle them in [her] own way.” Later, the group receives a note from Zita, delivered by three large natives.

The group ends up being entertained by Zita, while Greg is appearing before a tribal council on her behalf. Probably the greatest line of the film is uttered by Colonel Jones, “He’s a remarkable boy, and so are you, my dear.” The cattiness between Zita and Jean at dinner is awesome. Old fashioned female bitterness is probably my favorite part of these really terrible sci-fi films. Zita tells Jean that if Jean had a problem with her new-found love for Greg, then she would have no problem killing her.

During this dinner, talk of the ivory trade (remember that first paragraph?) stems up and Zita tells her tale of woe of trying to keep the poachers at bay. Eventually this discussion is ended by gunfire and hostage-taking. Apparently Gabby was the shadow man on the phone, and he’s the one behind the illegal ivory trade in this part of the jungle. He holds Gary at gunpoint and tells him that he has no qualms killing them all. He has the tribesmen walk the Colonel, the professor and Gary out to the front. The professor takes a fall, but that’s all part of a show – the friendly tribesmen, Gary, and the Colonel overtake the other men and a fight ensues.

Guns and spears fly as the men attack one another. The professor is nearly speared while finding a bug, his only notable non-background appearance throughout the film, and the Colonel is rightfully disappointed with his obliviousness. Greg soon returns from Tribal Council (wonder who got voted off!!!) with some more tribesmen and helps his friends out. Gabby spears Zita through the stomach and then takes a machete to Jean. In the end, Gary rushes in to confront Gabby. He is nearly machete’d to death but it just misses. He throws his gun at Gabby and they grapple. They fight among Zita’s fancy tiki bar. WAIT! The spear missed Zita, she’s fine! Gabby is soon darted by an Amazon and falls over.

In general, the film was a complete mess. It made nearly no sense, and the animals stopped appearing by the third act. I drank no beer during the film, but at least the ending was an insight into the sappy endings we have come to know from modern day John Cusack rom-coms. The commissioner comes down to Zita’s compound to marry Greg and Zita and Gary and Jean. It’s a truly happy ending for everyone - everyone except the ivory traders.

Rating: 2.5 Ivory Tusks out of 5.
(0.5 tusks for Jimmy the bird)

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part I - The Incredible Petrified World

2009-06-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

While picking up Wrath of Khan to satiate my incredible jonesing for Star Trek at Best Buy, I espied a box set of DVDs, entitled 50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics. Touting such unheard of classics as They Came From Beyond Space, Kong Island, and Laser Mission, I immediately grabbed for the 15 dollars it was selling for and ran to the register. The first film is The Incredible Petrified World, starring John Carradine. Coincidentally, his son David Carradine passed away by apparent hanging in Thailand today, so of course there was no more a topical film to start this journey through 50 awful films. I will be giving a synopsis of each film, along with my opinion and amount of alcohol needed to endure the rigors of cinematic waste. The Incredible Petrified World is hardly incredible, and only the acting could be described as petrified. But I’m already getting ahead of myself.

The movie begins with stock film of a sand shark attacking an octopus, plankton chilling out, and fish gone wild, while a voiceover narrator informs us that oceanographers are intrigued by the Phantom Layer of the world’s oceans, which possibly contains millions of octopi. I am immediately craving murder by octopus. The blind deep sea predators are then described, along with the coelecanthe. I don’t need to learn about fish! Give me murders! The narrator informs us that we will invade the black wilderness of the ocean. MAJOR TWIST: The narrator was simply part of a film that some investor was showing off to bow-tied ocean aficionados. While eating fish sticks and tiny hot dogs they discuss a newly invented diving bell, which will allow for more boring ocean films to be made. We learn that there are actually two bells, the original, developed by Carradine’s Professor Wyman, and another built by the investor, Mr. Matheny, whose lead engineer is none other than Jim Wyman, Carradine’s brother. Carradine is at this moment preparing to launch his bell!

On his ship, a whole bunch of hubbub is going on about his new diving bell. The captain goes and informs “Lady Reporter” to come check out the launch. Too bad Professor Wyman is too big of a pussy to go down in his own diving bell, so he has assigned Craig and Paul, two of his oceanography students, to take it down, along with two still-unnamed ladies who so far are only referred to by gender. The descent begins! The bell reaches a depth of 1700 feet when the lights stop working. A cable slipped! Communication with the surface has ceased. Men wearing suits look upset. The newspaper reporters jump on Carradine like murderous octopi.

The occupants of the diving bell are shown alive, marooned at the bottom of the ocean with only 100 cubic feet of oxygen keeping them alive. Paul and Craig discuss their predicament and discuss their doomed lives. Paul doesn’t expect to see any new sea creatures – WHAT! There is still light from outside the bell, even though they have descended far beyond light’s penetration. Quickly they don their scuba gear. And somehow, even though the pressure should destroy the intrepid explorers, they have survived the escape from the diving bell. The other bell, built by the mustachioed connoisseurs of ocean film hors deourves, is mentioned, and I assume that an insane rescue will be mounted for Craig and Paul, though they have discovered for themselves a subterranean cave. Craig and Paul return to the bell for shoes and spears, obvious necessities when under the ocean. The two men begin to spear fish, while above the surface John Carradine drinks coffee. A sonar watcher informs the good professor that he witnessed masses swimming about, and he is certain they are men, because as a sonar watcher, he just knows a fish from a man!

At this point I need beer. They enjoy their fish and hit the hay. Nothing like a good night’s sleep to explore some plaster sets in the morning. They set off, and around a corner they discover an iguana! THE HUMANITY! They actually just sidestep the slithering beast and continue to find a pool of fresh water. Oh this is just what I want to see in theaters in the 1950s. Don’t fight any lizards, but please do find fountains and drinking water! This is amazing! The women begin to get catty. I learn their names. Lauri wishes they could help each other out, but finally, the brunt of ‘50s sci-fi misogyny becomes apparent and Dale, that Lady Reporter, tells her companion that there is nothing to help, “not as long as they have two men around.” At this point they realize they have come upon a dead end, which they have been led to by the now infallible Craig. While waiting for Paul to deliver crawfish, they hear screaming, and follow his yelps to find him kneeling before a human skeleton! Dale screams, and they see Santa Claus! A bearded cave creature appears, and Paul tells them not to worry. “So he’s a weirdo! Who else would come down here?” The wide-eyed beardo just stares back at them until they climb up to him. The bearded man tells them that he came with Skeletor whose name was Maurice, informs them that there is no way out, and that the air they are breathing is merely an outgassing of a nearby subterranean volcano. He takes them to his home, which consists of an old log (perhaps the only incredibly petrified object in the whole film) and a whole lot of fish bones. He tells them to rest.

Apparently the weirdo’s story doesn’t mesh with Paul’s quick perception, and he tells daddy-o Craig that they should keep their eye on him. Dale even begins to doubt her ever-present misogyny when she surmises that the old man might not be all there. Craig drops the bomb on Lauri by telling her he loves her. All they need is each other, and the sappy moment seems like it would never end, until, what would we see, but old beardo staring them down, his eyes like clams; his teeth like chiclets. On the surface, Professor Wyman visits the movie-loving engineer, Mr. Matheny, who has given up on the second bell. Wyman suggests to the man that he would like to use the second bell and take a dive himself. He discovered (probably on a drunken binge) that the bell didn’t fail “at the weakest link, but the strongest.” In possibly the worst/best montage I have ever witnessed, Wyman and his brother, who had been working on the second bell all along, break into the lab and start putting together cogs, wheels and gears. They drink coffee, they check alignments, and soon, they pat each other on the back.

Back in the caves the weirdo checks out Lauri while she fills a conch shell with water. Now that Dale knows about Craig’s relationship with Lauri, she’s pissed! No longer the center of attention, Dale tells Lauri that they better listen to her, or things aren’t going to be pretty. Lauri mans up and tells that bitch off. Beardo merely watches. The men are currently getting the last of the gear from the bell, while Wyman’s ship resides above them. Paul gets the bends and Craig drags him through the water to the other bell, now resting right next to the old bell. Wyman has found them! Wyman’s brother enters the bell with Craig and Paul, and is very excited. Beardo is excited too, and finds Dale alone, suggesting to her that they should kill the others and be together alone, JUST LIKE HE KILLED HIS FORMER COMPANION, MAURICE. Dale flips out and starts screaming when the volcano erupts. Beardo begins to chase Lauri and Dale through the caves, only to die to a cave-in. Then they find a passed out Craig back at the entrance to the caves, who wakes up and takes them back to the second, dual Wyman-engineered, bell. Dale apologizes to Lauri, and together they drink from a Thermos filled with love. Back on the ship, they thank Matheny, and Craig and Lauri have a weird moment, when a crewman mentions how happy they must be to be on the surface where they have room to breathe. Craig intones that he never really thought about how important it is, “having enough room to breathe.” I like to imagine that a sequel of this film would revolve around their failed marriage where Craig yells at Lauri for cooking too much red meat, and not letting him go to his regular poker game with Paul and Professor Wyman.

The film ends as the ship sets sail, and after three beers, I am mildly upset by how little excitement this film provides. Not one fish attack! Not one murder by Beardo! However, there was plenty of misogyny, which is a requirement for any film I enjoy made before 1960. I leave you with the full quote from Lauri and Dale’s catty beginnings, long before their thermos-based friendship. I hope the next film in this set provides more entertainment, and perhaps, more fish murder.

Dale Marshall: [to Lauri] You just listen to me, Miss Innocent. There's nothing friendly between two females. There never was. There never will be.
Lauri Talbott: Sorry you feel that way. I was hoping we could help each other.
Dale Marshall: You don't need help - neither do I. Not as long as we have two men around us.

Rating: 2 diving bells out of 5.