The globalized world has hundreds of materials used in building, maintaining and beautifying the infrastructure of the first world, over which millions of people slave, fight, and die to produce in the third world. Meanwhile the privileged individuals enjoying those materials feign guilt and sadness, until public sentiment overcomes the abundance and frugality of using those materials, and crushes their use, further depressing the third world. Blood diamonds, various blubbers and oils from sea creatures, Burger King toys - the list is endless. But more than any of these other materials, ivory has become the go-to standard for strife and disagreement, and policing of those poachers whose livelihoods rely on the sweet-ass tusks of the elephant. Today’s film is like a boring documentary on the subject, and unfortunately for viewers, it’s entirely fictional.
Akbar – not the admiral, but the city, is where our story begins. I believe it’s a fictional city in India, because no Google search yields any results. A group of white Americans has arrived, and they are in search of a man. A man named Greg Jones. To one searcher, he is a son. To another, he is a fiancé. The relationship between the lost man and the two other members of the search party is entirely unknown to me throughout the film, except I know one is a basic a-hole, and the other is a professor fascinated by bugs who wears giant glasses. In feud-riddled Akbar, Americans aren’t popular, but they decide to check into a hotel anyway.
As our party loiters in the lobby of the hotel, a strange woman is seen making eyes at them. Staring is the easiest way to creep people out. I have a feeling that every film in this series will include onlookers giving wild-eyed, yearning stares. As the party leaves for their room, the hotel clerk calls upon a silhouette of a large man with an old phone. Shadow tells the clerk to detain the party. Jean, Greg’s fiancée, is accosted by the once-staring woman who tells her that a tiger mauled most of his safari members. By the way, this entry is probably the biggest grammar lesson I will ever receive on fiancé vs. fiancée. Eventually, googly-eyes’ husband walks in and is prepared to tell them all he knows about Greg.
A gunman behind the curtains calmly draws his gun and murders the staring woman’s husband.. The group flees from the terror of India and takes a river boat to the heart of Africa. Stock footage of hippos, crocodiles and seagulls is seen through the porthole of the ship. They find their way to Kybo, where the only guide who can help them is a known woman hater! Misogyny! He finds them distracting. He is found taking target practice, where his pet crow changes targets after they are shot through fully. I am a sucker for animals in movies, especially Uncle Billy’s crow in It’s A Wonderful Life, so things are shaping up nicely, as far as my sanity remaining intact.
The commissioner of Kybo begs this gentleman Gary to take the searching party into the heart of the jungle. Eventually, Jean decides to step up and prove to Gary that not all women are useless. She proves it by taking shots at his targets, with Foley editing assisted by a tom drum. I have honestly never heard a louder and faker gun noise used in any movie. I would imagine that if the wizards of firearms do one day invent the laser guns of Star Wars and that science fiction ilk, that the pew pews of those films will more closely resemble the noise of those guns, than Jean’s gun sounded like an actual pistol – an absolutely available weapon at the time.
They need to ask a crazy man with a pet monkey to be their safari cook. The script is a steel trap of logic. Gabby, the cook, insists that he stick around Kybo because the cook he hired for himself hates when he goes away. Again, I’m absolutely mystified by this excuse, but maybe it’s some kind of 1940s era joke regarding cooks having cooks, unfortunately line read like a eulogy.
PET UPDATE! Gary’s pet bird Jimmy is so far the star of the movie. He’s replaced targets for target practice, and fetched matches for the commissioner’s pipe. Gabby’s monkey hasn’t done shit, except maybe laugh at one of Gabby’s stupid jokes.
Again, the documentary-like asides that are present in these old movies bother me to no end. They take a break to watch natives dancing, and describe the insertion of bamboo shoots into the skin as marks of respect. They spend even more time watching dances with the second tribe they visit to ask for support on their safari. This tribe tells the group of a White Goddess in the jungle.
Right now I just wish they would make a movie about the monkey and Jimmy. The monkey knocked a bunch of pans over and hid in a basket. Jimmy swooped down and perched on the basket, trapping the monkey inside.
Jean is concerned about the Amazons, who are lead by the White She Devil. One of the tribesmen, Tondra, tells Jean and Gary about the evil women, and how they were survivors of a shipwreck. Gary believes every word, while Jean remains skeptical. The next day Tondra finds a gold coin that Jean recognizes as a gift she gave to Greg. The narrator, Greg’s father, Colonel Jones, describes that evil begins to befall their campsite. While Jean and Gary discuss the White She Devil and her possible imprisonment of Greg, Gary is attacked by a lion! Jean picks up a gun and watches the lion maul Gary instead of shooting it. Wayne, the formerly a-hole party member, rushes in and saves Gary. Wayne’s been relatively low key so far, but he has been a complete dick. Wayne brings up a possible conspiracy that ties back into the murder in India, and the shadowy phone call. He implicates Gary as being involved and a possible reason they can’t find Greg.
Gary and Jean discuss her feelings for Greg. Apparently Gary and Jean have some history, which I somehow missed when he decided to join up for the group. Or not, either way, things are starting to look weird. The following bit of dialogue takes place:
“You got me so mixed up.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do.”
The next morning Wayne is found murdered, the group is attacked by locusts, and they enter lion country, “the land of Simba.” Big Lion King fan, the colonel/narrator. The tribesmen go after lions, who have just killed Bombo, the only member of the tribe who knew the way to the White She Devil’s lair other than Wayne, with whom he had confided the map. Without any navigational cues they continue their journey. The lion hunt is pretty exciting though, and five lions are killed by the tribesmen. They reach the Elephant country, which is right before the Forbidden Country. It actually seems like the directions are pretty clear, at least by estimation of the narrator. I’m surprised they needed Bombo.
Then in the big twist, Greg and Zita, the titular Queen of the Amazons, and a complete piece of ass, are seen canoodling with both a stuffed gorilla and her pet lion. Zita tells Greg that she will be kind to the safari members when they arrive, but when he leaves, she confides in her lion that she will “handle them in [her] own way.” Later, the group receives a note from Zita, delivered by three large natives.
The group ends up being entertained by Zita, while Greg is appearing before a tribal council on her behalf. Probably the greatest line of the film is uttered by Colonel Jones, “He’s a remarkable boy, and so are you, my dear.” The cattiness between Zita and Jean at dinner is awesome. Old fashioned female bitterness is probably my favorite part of these really terrible sci-fi films. Zita tells Jean that if Jean had a problem with her new-found love for Greg, then she would have no problem killing her.
During this dinner, talk of the ivory trade (remember that first paragraph?) stems up and Zita tells her tale of woe of trying to keep the poachers at bay. Eventually this discussion is ended by gunfire and hostage-taking. Apparently Gabby was the shadow man on the phone, and he’s the one behind the illegal ivory trade in this part of the jungle. He holds Gary at gunpoint and tells him that he has no qualms killing them all. He has the tribesmen walk the Colonel, the professor and Gary out to the front. The professor takes a fall, but that’s all part of a show – the friendly tribesmen, Gary, and the Colonel overtake the other men and a fight ensues.
Guns and spears fly as the men attack one another. The professor is nearly speared while finding a bug, his only notable non-background appearance throughout the film, and the Colonel is rightfully disappointed with his obliviousness. Greg soon returns from Tribal Council (wonder who got voted off!!!) with some more tribesmen and helps his friends out. Gabby spears Zita through the stomach and then takes a machete to Jean. In the end, Gary rushes in to confront Gabby. He is nearly machete’d to death but it just misses. He throws his gun at Gabby and they grapple. They fight among Zita’s fancy tiki bar. WAIT! The spear missed Zita, she’s fine! Gabby is soon darted by an Amazon and falls over.
In general, the film was a complete mess. It made nearly no sense, and the animals stopped appearing by the third act. I drank no beer during the film, but at least the ending was an insight into the sappy endings we have come to know from modern day John Cusack rom-coms. The commissioner comes down to Zita’s compound to marry Greg and Zita and Gary and Jean. It’s a truly happy ending for everyone - everyone except the ivory traders.
Rating: 2.5 Ivory Tusks out of 5.
(0.5 tusks for Jimmy the bird)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part I - The Incredible Petrified World
While picking up Wrath of Khan to satiate my incredible jonesing for Star Trek at Best Buy, I espied a box set of DVDs, entitled 50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics. Touting such unheard of classics as They Came From Beyond Space, Kong Island, and Laser Mission, I immediately grabbed for the 15 dollars it was selling for and ran to the register. The first film is The Incredible Petrified World, starring John Carradine. Coincidentally, his son David Carradine passed away by apparent hanging in Thailand today, so of course there was no more a topical film to start this journey through 50 awful films. I will be giving a synopsis of each film, along with my opinion and amount of alcohol needed to endure the rigors of cinematic waste. The Incredible Petrified World is hardly incredible, and only the acting could be described as petrified. But I’m already getting ahead of myself.
The movie begins with stock film of a sand shark attacking an octopus, plankton chilling out, and fish gone wild, while a voiceover narrator informs us that oceanographers are intrigued by the Phantom Layer of the world’s oceans, which possibly contains millions of octopi. I am immediately craving murder by octopus. The blind deep sea predators are then described, along with the coelecanthe. I don’t need to learn about fish! Give me murders! The narrator informs us that we will invade the black wilderness of the ocean. MAJOR TWIST: The narrator was simply part of a film that some investor was showing off to bow-tied ocean aficionados. While eating fish sticks and tiny hot dogs they discuss a newly invented diving bell, which will allow for more boring ocean films to be made. We learn that there are actually two bells, the original, developed by Carradine’s Professor Wyman, and another built by the investor, Mr. Matheny, whose lead engineer is none other than Jim Wyman, Carradine’s brother. Carradine is at this moment preparing to launch his bell!
On his ship, a whole bunch of hubbub is going on about his new diving bell. The captain goes and informs “Lady Reporter” to come check out the launch. Too bad Professor Wyman is too big of a pussy to go down in his own diving bell, so he has assigned Craig and Paul, two of his oceanography students, to take it down, along with two still-unnamed ladies who so far are only referred to by gender. The descent begins! The bell reaches a depth of 1700 feet when the lights stop working. A cable slipped! Communication with the surface has ceased. Men wearing suits look upset. The newspaper reporters jump on Carradine like murderous octopi.
The occupants of the diving bell are shown alive, marooned at the bottom of the ocean with only 100 cubic feet of oxygen keeping them alive. Paul and Craig discuss their predicament and discuss their doomed lives. Paul doesn’t expect to see any new sea creatures – WHAT! There is still light from outside the bell, even though they have descended far beyond light’s penetration. Quickly they don their scuba gear. And somehow, even though the pressure should destroy the intrepid explorers, they have survived the escape from the diving bell. The other bell, built by the mustachioed connoisseurs of ocean film hors deourves, is mentioned, and I assume that an insane rescue will be mounted for Craig and Paul, though they have discovered for themselves a subterranean cave. Craig and Paul return to the bell for shoes and spears, obvious necessities when under the ocean. The two men begin to spear fish, while above the surface John Carradine drinks coffee. A sonar watcher informs the good professor that he witnessed masses swimming about, and he is certain they are men, because as a sonar watcher, he just knows a fish from a man!
At this point I need beer. They enjoy their fish and hit the hay. Nothing like a good night’s sleep to explore some plaster sets in the morning. They set off, and around a corner they discover an iguana! THE HUMANITY! They actually just sidestep the slithering beast and continue to find a pool of fresh water. Oh this is just what I want to see in theaters in the 1950s. Don’t fight any lizards, but please do find fountains and drinking water! This is amazing! The women begin to get catty. I learn their names. Lauri wishes they could help each other out, but finally, the brunt of ‘50s sci-fi misogyny becomes apparent and Dale, that Lady Reporter, tells her companion that there is nothing to help, “not as long as they have two men around.” At this point they realize they have come upon a dead end, which they have been led to by the now infallible Craig. While waiting for Paul to deliver crawfish, they hear screaming, and follow his yelps to find him kneeling before a human skeleton! Dale screams, and they see Santa Claus! A bearded cave creature appears, and Paul tells them not to worry. “So he’s a weirdo! Who else would come down here?” The wide-eyed beardo just stares back at them until they climb up to him. The bearded man tells them that he came with Skeletor whose name was Maurice, informs them that there is no way out, and that the air they are breathing is merely an outgassing of a nearby subterranean volcano. He takes them to his home, which consists of an old log (perhaps the only incredibly petrified object in the whole film) and a whole lot of fish bones. He tells them to rest.
Apparently the weirdo’s story doesn’t mesh with Paul’s quick perception, and he tells daddy-o Craig that they should keep their eye on him. Dale even begins to doubt her ever-present misogyny when she surmises that the old man might not be all there. Craig drops the bomb on Lauri by telling her he loves her. All they need is each other, and the sappy moment seems like it would never end, until, what would we see, but old beardo staring them down, his eyes like clams; his teeth like chiclets. On the surface, Professor Wyman visits the movie-loving engineer, Mr. Matheny, who has given up on the second bell. Wyman suggests to the man that he would like to use the second bell and take a dive himself. He discovered (probably on a drunken binge) that the bell didn’t fail “at the weakest link, but the strongest.” In possibly the worst/best montage I have ever witnessed, Wyman and his brother, who had been working on the second bell all along, break into the lab and start putting together cogs, wheels and gears. They drink coffee, they check alignments, and soon, they pat each other on the back.
Back in the caves the weirdo checks out Lauri while she fills a conch shell with water. Now that Dale knows about Craig’s relationship with Lauri, she’s pissed! No longer the center of attention, Dale tells Lauri that they better listen to her, or things aren’t going to be pretty. Lauri mans up and tells that bitch off. Beardo merely watches. The men are currently getting the last of the gear from the bell, while Wyman’s ship resides above them. Paul gets the bends and Craig drags him through the water to the other bell, now resting right next to the old bell. Wyman has found them! Wyman’s brother enters the bell with Craig and Paul, and is very excited. Beardo is excited too, and finds Dale alone, suggesting to her that they should kill the others and be together alone, JUST LIKE HE KILLED HIS FORMER COMPANION, MAURICE. Dale flips out and starts screaming when the volcano erupts. Beardo begins to chase Lauri and Dale through the caves, only to die to a cave-in. Then they find a passed out Craig back at the entrance to the caves, who wakes up and takes them back to the second, dual Wyman-engineered, bell. Dale apologizes to Lauri, and together they drink from a Thermos filled with love. Back on the ship, they thank Matheny, and Craig and Lauri have a weird moment, when a crewman mentions how happy they must be to be on the surface where they have room to breathe. Craig intones that he never really thought about how important it is, “having enough room to breathe.” I like to imagine that a sequel of this film would revolve around their failed marriage where Craig yells at Lauri for cooking too much red meat, and not letting him go to his regular poker game with Paul and Professor Wyman.
The film ends as the ship sets sail, and after three beers, I am mildly upset by how little excitement this film provides. Not one fish attack! Not one murder by Beardo! However, there was plenty of misogyny, which is a requirement for any film I enjoy made before 1960. I leave you with the full quote from Lauri and Dale’s catty beginnings, long before their thermos-based friendship. I hope the next film in this set provides more entertainment, and perhaps, more fish murder.
Dale Marshall: [to Lauri] You just listen to me, Miss Innocent. There's nothing friendly between two females. There never was. There never will be.
Lauri Talbott: Sorry you feel that way. I was hoping we could help each other.
Dale Marshall: You don't need help - neither do I. Not as long as we have two men around us.
Rating: 2 diving bells out of 5.
The movie begins with stock film of a sand shark attacking an octopus, plankton chilling out, and fish gone wild, while a voiceover narrator informs us that oceanographers are intrigued by the Phantom Layer of the world’s oceans, which possibly contains millions of octopi. I am immediately craving murder by octopus. The blind deep sea predators are then described, along with the coelecanthe. I don’t need to learn about fish! Give me murders! The narrator informs us that we will invade the black wilderness of the ocean. MAJOR TWIST: The narrator was simply part of a film that some investor was showing off to bow-tied ocean aficionados. While eating fish sticks and tiny hot dogs they discuss a newly invented diving bell, which will allow for more boring ocean films to be made. We learn that there are actually two bells, the original, developed by Carradine’s Professor Wyman, and another built by the investor, Mr. Matheny, whose lead engineer is none other than Jim Wyman, Carradine’s brother. Carradine is at this moment preparing to launch his bell!
On his ship, a whole bunch of hubbub is going on about his new diving bell. The captain goes and informs “Lady Reporter” to come check out the launch. Too bad Professor Wyman is too big of a pussy to go down in his own diving bell, so he has assigned Craig and Paul, two of his oceanography students, to take it down, along with two still-unnamed ladies who so far are only referred to by gender. The descent begins! The bell reaches a depth of 1700 feet when the lights stop working. A cable slipped! Communication with the surface has ceased. Men wearing suits look upset. The newspaper reporters jump on Carradine like murderous octopi.
The occupants of the diving bell are shown alive, marooned at the bottom of the ocean with only 100 cubic feet of oxygen keeping them alive. Paul and Craig discuss their predicament and discuss their doomed lives. Paul doesn’t expect to see any new sea creatures – WHAT! There is still light from outside the bell, even though they have descended far beyond light’s penetration. Quickly they don their scuba gear. And somehow, even though the pressure should destroy the intrepid explorers, they have survived the escape from the diving bell. The other bell, built by the mustachioed connoisseurs of ocean film hors deourves, is mentioned, and I assume that an insane rescue will be mounted for Craig and Paul, though they have discovered for themselves a subterranean cave. Craig and Paul return to the bell for shoes and spears, obvious necessities when under the ocean. The two men begin to spear fish, while above the surface John Carradine drinks coffee. A sonar watcher informs the good professor that he witnessed masses swimming about, and he is certain they are men, because as a sonar watcher, he just knows a fish from a man!
At this point I need beer. They enjoy their fish and hit the hay. Nothing like a good night’s sleep to explore some plaster sets in the morning. They set off, and around a corner they discover an iguana! THE HUMANITY! They actually just sidestep the slithering beast and continue to find a pool of fresh water. Oh this is just what I want to see in theaters in the 1950s. Don’t fight any lizards, but please do find fountains and drinking water! This is amazing! The women begin to get catty. I learn their names. Lauri wishes they could help each other out, but finally, the brunt of ‘50s sci-fi misogyny becomes apparent and Dale, that Lady Reporter, tells her companion that there is nothing to help, “not as long as they have two men around.” At this point they realize they have come upon a dead end, which they have been led to by the now infallible Craig. While waiting for Paul to deliver crawfish, they hear screaming, and follow his yelps to find him kneeling before a human skeleton! Dale screams, and they see Santa Claus! A bearded cave creature appears, and Paul tells them not to worry. “So he’s a weirdo! Who else would come down here?” The wide-eyed beardo just stares back at them until they climb up to him. The bearded man tells them that he came with Skeletor whose name was Maurice, informs them that there is no way out, and that the air they are breathing is merely an outgassing of a nearby subterranean volcano. He takes them to his home, which consists of an old log (perhaps the only incredibly petrified object in the whole film) and a whole lot of fish bones. He tells them to rest.
Apparently the weirdo’s story doesn’t mesh with Paul’s quick perception, and he tells daddy-o Craig that they should keep their eye on him. Dale even begins to doubt her ever-present misogyny when she surmises that the old man might not be all there. Craig drops the bomb on Lauri by telling her he loves her. All they need is each other, and the sappy moment seems like it would never end, until, what would we see, but old beardo staring them down, his eyes like clams; his teeth like chiclets. On the surface, Professor Wyman visits the movie-loving engineer, Mr. Matheny, who has given up on the second bell. Wyman suggests to the man that he would like to use the second bell and take a dive himself. He discovered (probably on a drunken binge) that the bell didn’t fail “at the weakest link, but the strongest.” In possibly the worst/best montage I have ever witnessed, Wyman and his brother, who had been working on the second bell all along, break into the lab and start putting together cogs, wheels and gears. They drink coffee, they check alignments, and soon, they pat each other on the back.
Back in the caves the weirdo checks out Lauri while she fills a conch shell with water. Now that Dale knows about Craig’s relationship with Lauri, she’s pissed! No longer the center of attention, Dale tells Lauri that they better listen to her, or things aren’t going to be pretty. Lauri mans up and tells that bitch off. Beardo merely watches. The men are currently getting the last of the gear from the bell, while Wyman’s ship resides above them. Paul gets the bends and Craig drags him through the water to the other bell, now resting right next to the old bell. Wyman has found them! Wyman’s brother enters the bell with Craig and Paul, and is very excited. Beardo is excited too, and finds Dale alone, suggesting to her that they should kill the others and be together alone, JUST LIKE HE KILLED HIS FORMER COMPANION, MAURICE. Dale flips out and starts screaming when the volcano erupts. Beardo begins to chase Lauri and Dale through the caves, only to die to a cave-in. Then they find a passed out Craig back at the entrance to the caves, who wakes up and takes them back to the second, dual Wyman-engineered, bell. Dale apologizes to Lauri, and together they drink from a Thermos filled with love. Back on the ship, they thank Matheny, and Craig and Lauri have a weird moment, when a crewman mentions how happy they must be to be on the surface where they have room to breathe. Craig intones that he never really thought about how important it is, “having enough room to breathe.” I like to imagine that a sequel of this film would revolve around their failed marriage where Craig yells at Lauri for cooking too much red meat, and not letting him go to his regular poker game with Paul and Professor Wyman.
The film ends as the ship sets sail, and after three beers, I am mildly upset by how little excitement this film provides. Not one fish attack! Not one murder by Beardo! However, there was plenty of misogyny, which is a requirement for any film I enjoy made before 1960. I leave you with the full quote from Lauri and Dale’s catty beginnings, long before their thermos-based friendship. I hope the next film in this set provides more entertainment, and perhaps, more fish murder.
Dale Marshall: [to Lauri] You just listen to me, Miss Innocent. There's nothing friendly between two females. There never was. There never will be.
Lauri Talbott: Sorry you feel that way. I was hoping we could help each other.
Dale Marshall: You don't need help - neither do I. Not as long as we have two men around us.
Rating: 2 diving bells out of 5.
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